A passage I wrote when struggling so badly with urges to cut. I know there are some people who understand these feelings and thoughts, and there are people who may not have experienced these. However, it is so important to bring awareness to these feelings. I hope this passage will help bring awareness to the struggles of self harm and the pain involved.
TW- self harm and mention of ED (eating disorder)
“Cut deeper” my mind would say as I held a knife against my small wrists. I enjoyed watching the blood pour out of my arm as I sat there, on my bedroom floor, in tears. It was 2:30 am. I thought this could be what my parents were talking about when they said “nothing good comes after 11pm.” As a drop of blood fell on my tan carpet I tried wiping it up with a rag, only for it to remain a stain. It was crazy to think about, one drop of blood stains my new carpet. I didn’t realize that months later I would stare down at my carpet and notice that same drop of blood laying there. The first drop that led to me staining an entire towel red. I’d thrown it out so my parents wouldn’t see, and hoped they wouldn’t find it in our garbage bag. The day I seriously could have used medical help, yet I wouldn’t tell a soul, I’d just let the scars scab over and wear a sweatshirt in the 100 degree Georgia weather. “Aren’t you hot in that?” adults would ask me. The answer was yes, however I knew I’d never be able to uncover my arms unless I was willing to go to another mental facility. I’d go through the day, telling my parents I was doing fine, then lying straight to my therapist about my urges to self harm. “Honestly, I haven’t even thought about it”, I’d say. “That’s really good, we are super proud of you!”, she replied as my weak veiny arms looked as if I’d been in a horrible accident under my sweater sleeve. I don’t really know why it was so difficult for me to open up, but all i know was that it definitely was. It was easier to keep my struggles a secret than to actually get better. I was so so comfortable in my depression, I didn’t want to heal. I wanted to stay exactly as I was. Coming up with reasons to starve myself day by day, thinking of what kind of knife to cut with that night. Worrying that my scars were not deep enough, therefore my feelings were not truly validated. It wasn’t until residential when someone said something that changed my point of view on my scars. “It doesn’t matter what your scars look like, what matters is that they are there because you were experiencing enough pain to do it” said another one of the 18 girls who I was living with at the time. It helped me so much to hear that because I was no longer comparing myself to others in order to feel validated. I knew my pain was enough to cause me to hurt myself, and that is validation in itself. From that moment on, if I ever caught myself comparing scars, I knew to stop myself because I was validated enough just how I was.
This passage I wrote while I was in a very dark place, but during my time of healing. These emotions are vulnerable and can be triggering to some. I share this because I want you all to realize that things can be extremely hard, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Things will get better. Self harm was a huge escape for me, however it has consequences that are really hard to deal with. The difficult times don’t last forever, I, myself am proof of that. There is a much better version of yourself lying underneath all the pain. Soon you will experience that. I never would’ve if it weren’t for the residential facility I attended and all the people in my life. We must let go of the past, to experience life at its fullest.